Setting Boundaries ~ Episode 10 ~ 11/9/23

Hey hey Mamas, welcome back. I am excited to be with you today. But I have to say that today's topic is something that I actually struggle a little bit with. And so I really am going to like, need this as much as you do today. And I'm going to be talking about setting boundaries. And you guys, it is something that is so necessary, especially on this journey as we are working, as we are finding out what we want, Like we're trying to figure out where our true north is and what we want out of this life. And in order to get that, it is likely that we are going to have to set some boundaries with other people, with ourselves setting boundaries. We should look at this as a good thing. There are healthy boundaries. It doesn't have to be something where we think, oh, boundaries are a bad thing. You know, if you're anything like me, like, I am not a rule follower. Like, when I hear rules, I actually like rules, but only if they're like rules that I make up. I'm not really a rule follower. So whether or not that surprises you, I don't know. But like, I think of boundaries as, like, I don't like to be confined, right. And so when you think of setting boundaries, it's like it almost sounds like you're confining yourself to something. And I always start with a quote. So I'm going to start with a quote from Brené Brown. Again, Love Brené Brown, you guys. And she has some great ones. And this one, it says daring to set boundaries is about having the courage to love ourselves
 
even when we risk disappointing others. So what she's saying is that you will set boundaries when you love yourself, and you will do that at the risk of disappointing other people, right? So often boundaries and setting those, you know, people who are people pleasers. And I think we all have people pleaser tendencies, right? Like, I know I'm a people pleaser sometimes, but not all the time, right? And but people pleasers are definite people that need to set boundaries because people pleasers tend to be. How do I say this? I I don't know. People pleasers a lot of times are truly if they really think about it, they are being inauthentic. And that may be hard to hear for some people out there who are people pleasers. I know there are a lot of us, and like I say us because like I in the past have been a people pleaser. I like if anyone who knows me really well probably would say that's not true. But in certain circumstances, I am a people pleaser. Like I want other people to like me, right? Like we all want that, right? We all want other people to like us. But in doing that right, Like if you make someone else unhappy, what does that mean about you? And if it means about you that you are like, if you lose validation with yourself, like if you don't feel worthy when you make someone else unhappy, that's when you know that you are being inauthentic. Because if you are doing things just to please others, that's not even what you really want, but you're just doing it to make that other person happy. You are being inauthentic, right? There's a difference between like
 
not wanting to hurt someone's feelings and so you might say something that is you know it doesn't feel inauthentic to you though, right? what I mean is that you don't want to do something or say something that feels wrong to you just to make someone else happy. OK, you should be more important than making someone else happy. You should be more important to yourself and the in, you know, a lot of times we find ourselves apologizing, like don't apologize. As women, we apologize for things that we really feel, but we say we're sorry that we feel that way. Like we're not really sorry, are we? Like we're We say that we're sorry that we made the other person. Like, maybe I'm sorry like I made the other person uncomfortable. Or you're sorry if you hurt someone's feelings, but you shouldn't have to make someone else comfortable and make yourself uncomfortable in the process. let's take it to a very surfacy level here. So like if someone else is trying on some clothing and you can tell, like, it makes them feel amazing like you, but you, for whatever reason you think, like, it doesn't really make them look amazing, right. And this is a close friend, right? You might say something in order to make them happy that you don't really honestly feel. Now if you know it's going to hurt that other persons feelings, then maybe you know, gently be like Oh yes, I mean like I can tell that makes you so happy but like don't lie and say Oh my gosh, you look amazing or whatever. Like if it is inauthentic to you then don't say it. And that is like a surface
 
E level like that's not like a boundary. But that was just like an example that I thought of really quick to help me, like, prove this point of what I mean. If it's you shouldn't have to lie or say something that would, you know, feel inauthentic just to make someone else happy. Hopefully that makes sense and you shouldn't have to apologize for your own values and beliefs and what you want I'm going to use some examples because like I said, I need help with this just as much as everyone else needs help with this. Because I feel like I'm very good at doing this in certain areas of my life and very bad at doing it in other areas of my life. And so I'm just going to read some types of boundaries that that we should set right. And there are physical boundaries. Emotional boundaries, verbal boundaries. Time boundaries. Work boundaries. Spiritual boundaries, financial boundaries, sexual boundaries. These are the 8 boundaries types that I found and I forget where I found this particular thing. But physical boundaries, right? Like you would always, Use your physical boundaries like if somebody else was making you uncomfortable. I feel like that's something we teach our kids. Those are boundaries that I think most people are like, OK with setting. Those like physical boundaries with other people. Now sometimes you have like the close talk or whatever. And if you are the close talker possibly or, you know, sometimes like me, it doesn't necessarily bother me if the person is a close talker like. But a lot of people like the close talker, like really bothers them. And if you are, you know, one of those people, you could. If you have someone in your life that is a very close talker and they are driving you crazy with that, but you just put up with it, like that's a boundary that you could set with them, right? Like, you could actually say to them, you know, I
 
know that you, like, I love you and everything, but for whatever reason, whenever you get that close to me, it just makes me uncomfortable. Like, I don't know, you could even, you know, make a joke about it. Like maybe something's wrong with me. I don't know. But, like, could you, like, would you mind not being that close to me when you talk to me? And that would be an OK brown drink. And that person would know and hopefully it wouldn't hurt their feelings. Right. And you could do it in a way that was respectful and nice and then it would set that boundary with that person that they would know like that makes her uncomfortable. Like when I'm doing that I or when I'm talking to her, I will from now on I will try to respect that. So that might be a really easy boundary to set, and it would be so impactful for you to set that boundary. And it shouldn't ruffle feathers, right? Like, that's just an example of a very simple example of how you could set a boundary and it would be healthy and it is something that the other person should respect, right? There's so many boundaries that you could set like you know what is important to you. And you may have already set, like I'm really good at, like financial boundaries. Like I I've set those with myself like a long time ago. And I know what my boundaries are don't even have to think about them. I just operate in such a way that I know, my husband and I are going to tell each other. When we spend, you know, if something's like a big spend or something, we're going to tell one another. Like typically I shop when we need stuff, like the kids need new clothes and the kids need new shoes and the kids need whatever, it's usually for the kids, right? And if I shop for myself, it might be one thing here or there, But like something that's going to be thousands of dollars like then I would, I would talk to him first. And we've never really established like what that level is, but it's just kind of set
 
like it's already ingrained in us that we would have those conversations. but if it's not, those are things that you could set boundaries with your spouse. You could set boundaries, you know, with your kids, You know, I don't know what age your kids are. Like my kids are with me all the time when they make purchases. So they they have to ask me like they don't have a credit card or anything like that. But if you have children who are teenagers or who are, you know, have a credit card or you've given them some kind of authority to spend some money, those are definite conversations that I'm sure you probably already had. And if you haven't that you need to have, right? Because you have to set some boundaries, some rules, some ground rules, right? For spending. And you should to do that really with your partner too, you know, because it just makes the relationship more healthy. And then you know what the other person is thinking and communicating around. Everything is just so important. But we're going to relate this to you going after and doing what you want in your life. And as you uncover kind of what you want in your life and the direction that you want to go, and maybe that's going to look different, like you're trying to improve yourself, that could cause some ruffles with friends. It could cause some ruffles, you know, in your relationship, depending on you know what your partner thinks about that. It could. You know, if you're trying to start a new business or you know you're going to be taking some time away from family time, then you know, you could have to put some boundaries in place with your kids. You could have to talk to your partner and say, okay, hey, listen, this is what I'm trying to do. Here's why. And this is where I need help from you Or you know I need to to respect when I say now that I have to work like maybe you need to divvy out tasks
 
that typically you had done in the past. But now if you're going to start a business or go back to work or if you're going to whatever the case may be, there may be some conversations that need to be had and some boundaries, right, but that you establish. And so these are all things that you can just think about. OK, so I'm just going to give you some examples of some boundaries. I was looking actually for boundaries for parents. But when it came up, I was like, oh, these are really good examples. And they don't really apply to me, but they are very good examples. And these are boundaries like with your parents, so not as parents, but with your parents, right. It says I love having you over, I'll just need to know when you're coming in advance. So like for some people having their parents over would be like they need to know in advance, right? That would be a boundary that they could set with their parents. If I miss your call or text, I'll get back to you when I'm free. So some parents would be like, you know, why haven't you call me back? Why haven't you text me back? You know, whatever. And you know, if you're an adult and you have your own family and your own things going on, and especially now, you know, if you've decided I'm going to take some time for self-care or I'm going to take some time to start a business or to, you know, work now and whatever, like maybe you need to set those boundaries, like, because if you do miss a call or text, you know, you don't want your person like freaking out or, you know, whatever. Like, I promise I will text you back or call you like I'm not going to be as available as I once had been. That's a great one I understand your opinion on this and we can agree to disagree. So you know, with how the hot buttons of like politics and COVID and, you know all the things that you
 
know have been going around these past few years, this is actually one that I actually may have used before. That's like, I understand we have differing opinions, but let's just agree to disagree and you can totally go about and still, you know have your own opinion and still absolutely love that person and agree to disagree with them. And if they have a hard time with that, then that's their problem, right? Like you're you've let it go. Like you've got to be OK with telling people no and OK with them. You know, not being OK with the boundary that you set, like that is one huge toll and in and I'm going to get to that in just a second. So I'm going to pause on that and go to the last one. I'm going to stop by, but I just won't be able to stay for dinner. So there's another one where you're like, setting the expectation up front. And like, I do this now because I am, like, known for I could just talk, talk, talk, like, imagine, I could just talk, talk, talk. And when I get around another chatty person that I, you know, I might even really want. Like, it might be somebody like, I've actually set out to go to coffee or lunch or whatever with. But like, we'll get to talking. And three hours later, I realized, Oh my gosh, I've ruined my whole day. Like setting the expectation up front when you get there that you have to leave because, you know, you could be like sometimes I've been in like this conversation. I'm like, it's a really good conversation. I hate to like all of a sudden just up and be like I've got to go. But if you get to somewhere and you have things in your day that you've planned and prioritized, like these are important things. And maybe it's even an appointment with yourself. Like you've decided that you've you need to get this done today, right? Like it's an appointment with yourself, but it's still an appointment that has to get done in order for you to get what you need to do done right. And so if you are at a lunch or something with someone and you know you an hour and a half,
 
right? That's all you have because if you don't leave then then the rest of your day will be messed up even though you don't have necessarily another appointment to go to like quote UN quote appointment to go to. It's an appointment with yourself like you have time for that person and you want to spend the time with that person but you just when you get there you can set the expectation like hey Oh my gosh I'm so excited to have lunch today. I do have to run at whatever time. Like you get there at 12. You have to run at run 30 or if you have two hours like, great, you have two hours But you know, just tell them like this is what I'm working on now and like, this is what I'm doing. And you know, if you are honest and open, like hopefully they'll understand. And if they don't, again you can't feel guilty about it because this is what you need to do for yourself in order to get where you want to go. Like, these are we're talking about this as it relates to what you've decided for yourself, right? Like, this is so good for so many parts of our lives, but I've just really, like found it a little bit harder when it comes to like disappointing someone or like, you know, let's just say that one scenario with a friend. Like, I found it harder when I don't have something like physically booked on my calendar. But I know, like I have to get these things done or else I'm going to be a mess, right? Like, I know I've got a lot going on. And yes, I don't work outside the home, so no, I don't have to get back to work like for someone else, but I have to get back to work for myself, right? Like I have my own business, you know, I have a lot that I do, right? And I'm also a mom. And I also, you know, take care of the house. And I also do all of these things right. And so if I don't stick to that personal schedule of my own, I'm doing a disservice to myself. you know, just setting the boundary in a way is super healthy because it just sets the expectations. And then no
 
one's feelings get hurt if it's done in the right way. And again, if it winds up hurting someone's feelings, it's not intentional and it really shouldn't. So you know that is again usually on them and not on you. So the first step is to clearly identify your boundary. The second step is to understand why you need that boundary. So if you identify a boundary, then you might want to go a level deeper and discover, like why do I need that boundary? And you know and when you're explaining it to someone that you can even include this, right? So it's healthy for them to understand the why behind it, especially if it affects them. You want to be straightforward and not apologize again, don't give long explanations like you already identified it, you understood like you had had them. Understand why you needed the boundary. You don't have to go into long explanations about it. Again, use a a calm and polite tone. Start with tighter boundaries and then loosen them if appropriate. So you can start with like a boundary that's like you know, really tight. And then if you realize over time, like, OK, I can, I can loosen this boundary a little bit with this person, then you can loosen it right? And you can be flexible too. Like trying to think of an instance where you could be flexible but with your boundaries, but you're not. You know, this is not a rigid thing where if you set a boundary with somebody, you can't go back and change it later, maybe you know the time of your life, you need this boundary for a short amount of time. You can go back later and be flexible with that address boundary violations. So if you would set a boundary with someone and they violate it, actually bring it to their attention, right? Again, politely don't make it personal, but bring it to their attention and trust your intuition. So
 
trust your intuition. And really, honestly, if you have people that you can lean on and people who are like, you know. If you're if you have really good friends that are maybe working towards the same thing as you. Or you know you have like someone else that you say you're starting a business. Someone else you can lean on in that area or you know a mentor Or if you can lean on your spouse. If it's if it's with relationship to your friends or something. Just get a support system and someone who can validate you. If you're feeling, gosh, like I set this boundary, I'm feeling bad about it. Because if, you know, if this is something that's new to you, there is a possibility that you are going to feel like it's going to feel amazing. I promise you it's going to feel amazing. But at the same time, you could like start to cave if you don't have like some kind of a support system. I found this and talking about self-care. Because you know, if you if you are setting boundaries so that you can improve yourself, like a lot of times you're going to have to do that so that you can take time. Like as a mom to go to yoga or you're going to take time now to get a massage, or you're taking time for yourself to do certain things that you need to do in order to prioritize yourself and to put yourself, you know, first sometime. So that, like, I was talking about before, like, you can't pour from an empty cup and so you need to be fulfilled. And so that's what we're working on here, right? And so these benefits of this setting, the boundaries are going to be infinite. But some of the things that this site was telling me is it wards off burnout, which I'm sure you can imagine that would be true, and improves emotional health it it has improved relationships. So when you're when you're happier in the relationship, the other person is going to be happier. And if you're happier when you set these boundaries right, clear
 
expectation for others. So you know a lot of times other other people especially children, like children, always love boundaries like they don't think they do, but they actually thrive when they have rules and boundaries. And they love to test them, yes. But they do better when they have structure and when they have boundaries and clear boundaries are important. And they have this like, you know, they know then where they stand and their expectation. That's true for everyone. Decreased stress, which of course that's another one that I'm sure you would. You will, you will realize once you start to put these boundaries in place, improve self-care capabilities. So you know, of course that's going to happen too. Like when you put these in place, you're going to be able to take care of yourself, respect from others and self respect. So you guys, this is going to build your own respect for yourself, especially if you are a people pleaser to like TuneIn to what you really want and make yourself a priority. You are worthy no matter if someone else is upset with you. If you are making someone else unhappy and it is, you know, again, like not just going out and being mean or whatever, but if you're making someone else unhappy and and that is why you are doing something like this is going to be so freeing for you. This is going to be so healthy for you and this is going to make a huge difference if you just start implementing some boundaries. So you do you Boo like that, just like came to my mind like you do. You Boo like you do. You do what you do. Be yourself. Be authentic. Do not be someone else just to people please. And use these tools of setting these boundaries to make your life better, to honestly make your relationships better and just to hopefully improve,
 
improve everything, everything within your relationships. So hopefully this was helpful and I stayed on task. I only shared one quote. I actually had one more to share and I I guess I'm going to end with it. I'm going to end with it. It's from Anna Taylor. Not Ann Taylor, but Anna Taylor. She is a writer and it says love yourself enough to set boundaries. Your time and energy are precious and you get to decide how you use them. You teach people how to treat you by deciding what you will and won't accept. So think about that too, from a from a mother's standpoint. Like from a mother's standpoint, you teach people how to treat you by deciding what you will and won't accept. So modeling behavior that you want. Because you don't want people walking all over your kids, right? You don't want your kids people pleasing, so teach them be the model. Like you teach people how to treat you, but you're also modeling how you want your kids to treat other people, right? And so they are going to respect that and they are going to learn how to stand up for themselves and they are going to learn to be kind to people you know. They are going to learn that they can do those two things at the same time. You can stand up for yourself and be kind at the same time. And so it is very, very good for your kids to see that. So again, y'all, I hope this was helpful. Like I said, this is a walk. I feel like I'm going to have to have someone who can talk to us about boundaries. I'm going to start bringing in like a like a monthly guest I think on the podcast just other moms who have redefined what success means to them and I would love to have somebody come in and talk to us about boundaries and about why and how and all of the things to better drive home this point. So let me know if you would love to hear that from someone else and I'll
 
see what I can find and also leave me some feedback. Y'all, I'm dying to know what you're thinking, thinking if this has been helpful for you below wherever you're listening to this podcast or ways you can leave me some feedback. I would love a rating or whatever on whatever platform you listen. But that's what I'm talking about. I'm. I'm talking about actually reaching out to me and telling me. Like I would love to hear your stories of how this is impacting you. So till next week, y'all.