Converse & Connect: Exploring the Art of Communication ~ Episode 30 ~ March 21, 2024

• Welcome back, mamas or welcome to any new mamas listening to us today.  Y'all, I want to talk to you this week. You know how I like to use my life experience kind of things that I'm walking through and relate them to something that we can all use and take. And hopefully, you know, implement in our motherhood, in our life, in our
• just the way that we walk through this world, and hopefully to make it better. Right? And so this week
• my topic is on communication.
• So we are gonna talk about communication. And just of course, as you know, I like to start with a quote. So my first quote is gonna be from Tony Robbins,  and his quote on communication is to effectively communicate, we must realize that we are all different in the way that we perceive the world and use this understanding as a guide to our communication with others. So what he's saying here is that
• everyone sees the world in a different way. And the way that I like to. I I've explained this to my kids before I've explained it to. You know other people before. But it is like, if you are watching, and even if you're in like the let's just say you're in the car, right? So you're in the car and you right in front of you. An accident happens. Another car
• is in a wreck, and whatever happened
• you and let's say there's one or 2 other people in the same car that you're in, and you were all looking. So you all saw the rack. Right?
• You are most likely all 3 of you are going to have different interpretations, different viewpoints, different accounts of what happened in that car. Crash! Right?
• One of you might think that it was one person's fault, the other one might think it was the other person's fault, right, depending on what they saw and and what they're experiencing in their life. Some of you may remember the car was this color. Some may think it was another color, right like. Some might think it was a white car. Some might say it was silver, some might say I don't remember the color at all, but I know there was a man
• driving. Some may say I didn't know it was a man. You know what I mean. So every single person experiences the world, and even the same exact thing. They experience it not just from a different perspective, like, if you were watching the crash from like over here, and somebody else was across a different vantage point. Then, of course, you would see the same thing. But,
• I tend to think that you can see the exact same thing from basically the same exact point of view, and still have separate accounts of what happened. What caused it? All of the things, because we all experience the world differently. We all experience the world differently. And this week.
• you guys, I had I I've been having honestly, like a really kind of a tough time lately, like a lot of things have been coming up, and I don't know. I don't know if I wanna say against me, but a lot of circumstances have been occurring in my life
• to where things are harder than they need to be more difficult. I'm facing a lot of adversity recently. Okay? And so I was this past week.
• Communicating with someone.
• And this is someone who I've known for a while, right. So like her and I are friends. We are, we are good with one another and and I was communicating with her, and I actually left her message, and I was actually thanking her for something right. So in my mind I had left her this message of like gratitude right and in she messaged me back. Now, you know, when she messaged me back
• she was like, Oh, my gosh! I didn't realize like I'm not exactly sure I'm so confused. I don't understand why you're upset with me.
• and you know all of this. And so I was like what she thought I was upset with her. So, you guys, it was a complete and total miscommunication, and it wasn't the only time like. So then, you know.
• then it happened again where we had another miscommunication. That same person and I had another miscommunication. And this time what was it the second time? The second time it was? Oh, it was just complete miscommunication that time. So this time it was. She thought, that I had said one thing.
• and I did actually say one thing like she and I were on the same page about something. But then another message that I left her she took to mean something completely different than I had intended it to mean. So then she messaged me back. You guys part of the key of what happened with her, and I is not that, you know. Not the miscommunication
• part, but the fact that she actually then recommunicated with me and didn't take what I said as like it didn't help like it didn't set her off. So you know my message of gratitude that and she took it as I'm upset with her. She didn't like just take that and kind of leave the situation and be like Gosh!
• Why is she so mad at me like I am trying to help her like? Why is she mad at me right. She didn't hold on to that. She messaged me back, and she did not accuse me. She was just like, I am confused. I'm not sure why, you're upset, you know, and I'm just like Oh, my gosh!
• I did not mean that I was upset. I am so sorry you took my message that way, but it was literally because probably because of something she was going through, and something that she was experiencing from somewhere else, that when she heard my message, no matter the words that I said. I wasn't in an emotional state when I left it.
• It was about something else. It was kind of related, but it wasn't. And so, even though my message was one of gratitude to her, I was upset about something, and so she took that upsetness that she had in like had seen in me, and she took it, internalized it, and thought I was upset with her right. But had she not
• come to me and told me that she was confused, and she wasn't sure why I was upset then I would have never known. I would have just thought. You know, I had left her this message of gratitude, and she just ignored me right like, and she would have been like upset, and I would have. Probably I don't know if I would have gotten upset about that, but I would have been like, I wonder why I should have messaged me back.
• you know. And so it would have just caused an even bigger miscommunication. Right? And so everyone is experiencing whatever they're experiencing in their own life, and especially if you weren't with that person like at the time, like when you're leaving a message or when you're sending a text. Or you know, when you're receiving an email or sending an email
• like you aren't physically with that person. So you're not sure what they're experiencing while they're getting the text or the email or what whatnot. You know you don't know what's going on in their world, and so that could have a bearing on the way that they receive that message, and not to say that you need to be super careful when communicating. But
• I guess what I'm trying to get my point across is that the communication is so important and just being able to have open communication with other people and not take offense or take
• You know, we've been talking about judgment and comparison. Offense is another thing. You guys, if we take offense and we are offended by someone else, it could totally be something that was a miscommunication right? And I think when when it comes to mothers, we need to really take this into account when we're dealing with our children, because
• their experience and ours is completely different because of even if they have the same experience, their brain isn't developed right in the same way that an adult brain is developed, and so they are experiencing everything very differently than you are right. And so we need to keep that in mind when we're dealing with our children. And even if they're going through the same similar thing that we are going through
• experiencing on our day, they are receiving it in a different way than we are. And so when we are communicating with them.
• we need to make sure that they are clear that we are clear on what we mean what they that what they mean, you know. And so this communication is super key. Okay, so I have a lot of quotes this week. You guys. And I think where I'm gonna go next,
• is is this one? Because it's it's totally related, relatable to this. So it is George Bernard Shaw. And it says the singest single, let me say again, the single biggest problem in communication is the illusion that it has taken place.
• So when we think that we have said. And this leads into another quote, you guys, I've got a I've got to read this one, too, Peter Drucker. The most important thing in communication is to hear what isn't being said
• right? And so we can do that as adults. But kids can't really do that. And so we need to make sure that we are not portraying something different to our children, with our body language, with something that's not being said right like, even though we're communicating one thing. What if they are not receiving that
• from us in our actions? Or what if they're not receiving that from us in the way we're feeling right. If we're trying to tell them something. But we're not in alignment with it. They're gonna feel that they're gonna feel that for sure.
• And so going back to the illusion that communication has taken place. When you just assume that that other person has understood what you are meaning what you are saying, whatever it is. There is a good chance that maybe they didn't take it the way that it was intended right, or maybe they didn't receive it that way, or sometimes, especially when emotions are heated. When emotions are high.
• people are not
• a place where they can really communicate very effectively. And there are things that are going to happen that are
• miscommunicate. Miscommunication is just going to happen when emotions emotions are high, right? There is going to be miscommunication, because we can't fully receive what the other person is saying. At that point we're engaged, we are, we are very on high, alert, and so we are going to be receiving our information differently.
• And so I'm going to read another quote here. And this one, it says, any problem, big or small within a family always seems to start with bad communication. Someone isn't listening. This is Emma Thompson who said this.
• and it's so true, because
• within a family, especially like there is always someone who or not, always someone, but a lot of times. There is someone who has put up a wall or has already come to a snap judgment about. You know what the other person meant, or you know they already have decided that the other person is going to be mad when they come at them, or whatever it is. And so a lot of times they're not listening
• in a way that would be just objective listening right? They are listening with this chip on their shoulder. With this they think you know, the other person has an agenda, or maybe they have an agenda right like, maybe they are listening.
• that brings up another quote that I had. And this is from Stephen Covey. And this says the biggest communication problem is we do not listen to understand. We listen to reply.
• So we aren't necessarily listening to understand the other person we're listening to try to figure out what we're going to say back to them to prove our point.
• So we're not even trying to understand them. We're gonna pick up on things that they said that we can then throw back in their face right like we're listening to learn how to reply to what they're saying. We're not even trying to understand right? And so a lot of times we do this with our spouse is when I think this becomes the biggest thing or somebody that we are in like an actual
• disagreement with right?
• Maybe not as much as your children that you do that. But it is so true that we need to listen to understand. And I think that effective communication it is. It is a 2 way. Street, like communication is a 2 way street, and we as mothers, we definitely have to be the ones who are teaching our children how to communicate effectively.
• And in order to communicate effectively, you need to listen to that other person, and to really hear and to make sure that you're understanding. And you know, almost like it's like that mocking bird right like. So if that
• if that one communication that I had had with that one with my friend, if that had not been a two-way street where we were going back and forth.
• Then there there would have possibly been some hard feelings there, right, and that is not what was intended like. It was not at all what either of us would have wanted, for the other person was to be upset by us right and so. But if that would have been left, you know, without both of us coming back to one another.
• to reinforce or to, you know, close the loop, or to not just make assumptions, but into fact, to communicate effectively with one another means going back and forth and making sure that you understand the other person right? Making sure, that you're closing that loop right? Because if you leave that loop open, chances are there is going to be a
• miscommunication that has occurred, and especially when there's some offense there. You need to make sure that you're closing the loop.
• and in a respectful way would be you know the ideal way to handle it. But in a respectful way, so that you can move forward and communicate most effectively with your child with whomever that you're dealing with right.
• And so I felt like I needed to share this like I have been having, like, I said, some really tough
• things that I've been dealing with. I feel like it's just one thing after another. And actually, this whole communication thing like my my job right is like my job. I put it in quotes because you know but my business has been started based on communicating with others. And so I tend to think that I am a good communicator, right? And so this past week. It's not just
• this one person that there were miscommunications with. I literally started questioning, like everything I'm like, did I? Am I in the wrong business like here, I have a podcast
• I am, I am. That's what I'm doing. I'm communicating with others. I'm developing this process of you know, guiding these women through moving through tough times in their life and coming out on the other side. And all of this. And I'm going to have to be effectively communicating with them right to help them to do this.
• And I am just like, Am I in the wrong business? And that's another thing that you can let this, you know doubt and
• You know things that come against you can start to creep into your mind, and if you don't know what you're doing or why you're doing it. Then this can be something that knocks you completely off track, and with a relationship.
• you know, if you don't know where you're headed, or why you're why you're there, and you know, with with our children, of course we're parenting them. We're we're trying to get them to the end result of being like independent young adults, right? And so we want to make it so that they can
• be on their own. They can communicate effectively with everyone, and that they aren't in that spirit of offense, or they don't take offense. They close the loop in the communication. They are effective communicators. And
• I don't know. I guess all that to say is that you can if you're not
• willing, I guess, and open to the fact that you know you might not be perfect right, like you might not be doing everything perfectly, and even though, and we, nobody is right, like none of us are, I. I even have a whole podcast episode about not being perfect, and how it's impossible to be perfect right. But when we tend to think that we are communicating effectively. But we're leaving those
• conversations unsaid, or we're leaving the child in a state of
• anger or frustration or sadness, or whatever. And I'm not saying you shouldn't, you know? Let them feel that. But then we always need to close the loop. We always need to be effectively communicating, because if they took something to mean one thing, but you actually meant another. While the emotions are high, you might not be able to close that loop, but you can go back later, and you can close that loop with them right and teach them.
• You know how to effectively communicate and how to effectively problem solve and how to effectively a resolve, an issue right? So hopefully, this is landing. You guys hopefully, we can just think about our communication in the way that you know the other person is receiving it, and you know everyone experiences different things from
• from their point of view, and from what has gone on in their day right? And how their emotions and what they're feeling. And so just because we think we are effectively communicating with someone doesn't always mean that we are.
• So that's all I have for you this week, you guys, I'm super excited. For next week we have a special guest on the podcast Hallie Avolio will be with us, and she is dropping some golden nuggets. You are not going to want to miss, so until then keep smiling. Y'all.